Semi-Fortnightly Ramble: Cellular Ninja Zapper

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Bradford Day
Kurtis

Apr. 6, 2005

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Semi-Fortnightly Ramble: Cellular Ninja Zapper

I hate cell phones. Not just because they annoy the bejebus out of me on a daily basis with morons attempting to pilot vehicles while jawing into their phone. I also hate them because I really don't care to hear every aspect of someone's supposed private conversation as they yell into their plastic squawk box while the recipient on the other end jabbers back only to be broadcast over a crappy excuse for a cellular speakerphone...mind you most of this occurs in a restaurant, movie theatre, or doctor's office. All that aside, I get equally annoyed with the cell phone companies and their pathetic excuses for user features. PDA phones are so 2002. Three years later and we are just now getting streaming video!streaming video that sucks, no less. No wonder I don't own a cell phone.

However, I would buy a cell phone. Yes, I would buy a cell phone IF and only IF the following features were standard AND the monthly costs were less than or equal to the price of a land line.

LED Flashlight
Nintendo DS-style dual screens large enough to actually see detailed images
Programmable Infrared/Radio remote for use with TV's, garage door openers, etc...
A GOOD digital camera
MP3 player/recoder, FM tuner, voice recorder
Streaming downloadable video of my choice
Internet browsing, e-mail...yada yada yada
Typical PDA functionality
Large capacity storage (I'm talking Gigabytes of flash memory or the like)
Some sort of useful Swiss Army knife features...small knife blade, fork, fish scaler, etc!
GPS unit
Nextel Walkie Talkie-like feature so I can end conversations with "Roger."
Taser gun
Spring-loaded throwing stars would be nice too, but I could live without those so long as I can carry regular, hand-thrown ones.

Of course the future of such varied and advanced features would be limited mostly by battery life and size. No one wants a cell phone that weighs 8 pounds with a battery life of 2 minutes. However, these issues could be solved if demand drove the market. The real problem is no one insists on these features! I think we should start demanding, no, no, vehemently demanding more features. We just sit here as cell phone companies attempt to placate us with streaming video of movie trailers and sports scores. Who wants to see the newest Star Wars trailer in 100 x 100 resolution? I want two 2" x 3" screens, I want real storage space, I want to be able to take down attackers using razor sharp shurikens. Some might say that gadgets are getting too integrated, too complicated. I say more gadgets, more integration, and more functionality. Sure the user manual would weigh 5 pounds, but wouldn't a GPS phone with integrated fish scaler be worth it?

Unfortunately you will never make it through airport security with this phone, but you would be the baddest cell phone ninja on your block. Perhaps my prototype mock-up will drive my point home:

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5 User Comments

1 - Posted by Dyrewolph on April 7, 2005 - 7:32 am

*cough*yourippedoffmyramblingt hreadbutatleastyoursissemi-for tnightlyandyouhavesomethingtow riteabout*cough*

2 - Posted by handrail on April 7, 2005 - 8:46 am

yeah, if you've ever read my blog, or for that matter any of my reviews, you will notice that i have been rambling long before you ever showed up, my friend. :P

3 - Posted by J2T on April 7, 2005 - 11:17 am

lol, these cracked me up. :lol:

4 - Posted by marco on April 6, 2006 - 5:15 pm

Love it! read my review. Can I get them OEM?

5 - Posted by handrail on April 7, 2006 - 1:55 pm

heh, sweet. glad you liked it...and sorry about those tazer misfires. we'll fix that in the next version.

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