COOL JOKES - nothing offensive!

[Hippy]

A battery and a brain walk into a pub.
They order a few drinks and sit down to discuss the current political state of the world. After a few drinks the conversation gets quite heated and involved. On discovering their glasses are empty Brain gets up and walks over to the bar.
"I'd like another pint of beer and one vodka, no ice please."
"No." Said the barman.
This completely threw Brain off so he went back to his chair and sat down.
"Wheres our driniks?" Asked Battery.
"I didn't get any, the barman said 'no' to me."
"What!!! Well i'll go order some then!" And stormed over to the bar.
"Excusse me, can i have a beer and a vodka."
Again the barman walked over and said 'no'.
Battery was perplexed but quite persistant so asked again, only this time the barman just ignored him.
"Why not?!?" After asking a third time.



















"Because sir your friend looks out of his head, and you.... you look like your gona start something!"



:lol: :D :lol: :D :lol: :D :lol: :D :lol: :D :lol:

[krovisser]

don't quit your day job...

[fhetw]

batteries and brains dont walk and talk silly

[MaNiAk21]

don't quit your day job...

No offense, but... ditto. :P

[Cabot_Teg118]

don't quit your day job...

No offense, but... ditto. :P

:? I third that. :D

[Brian]

Ouch :-P

[Kurtis]

hahaha. i thought it was a little funny :P

[Hippy]

The errr... 'idea' was that others posted their jokes here as well...

[Kurtis]

here's one i heard recently...

There are 2 leprechauns walking down the street. One leprechaun says to the other, "I had sex with a leprechaun that was a nun!" The other leprechaun laughs and says "What the hell are you talkin' about, there are no leprechaun nuns, lad." So the other leprechaun says "Well I know there are because I had sex with one, so obviously there is at least one, idiot."

Moments later they see a group of nuns walking by and one of the leprechauns asks if there are any leprechaun nuns. The nuns laugh and say "Of course not." So the leprechaun laughs and tells his friend "I told you lad, there aren't any leprechaun nuns." The other leprechaun says "They don't know what they are talkin' about, silly nuns."

And then the leprechauns look up and they see the Pope, who is, of course, in his Pope-Mobile. One of the leprechauns shout up "POPE I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YEE." The Pope-Mobile slows down, and the Pope asks what the question is. "Are there any leprechaun nuns?" asks the leprechaun. "No, I've never heard of such a thing." says the Pope.

So the leprechaun turns to his friend and laughs. "See, I told you you fucked a penguin!"

:D

[Cabot_Teg118]

:?

[Kurtis]

LOL i thought it was funny. our raft guide told us that joke when we were rafting on the chatooga river

[Brian]

:?

Exactly ;-)

[MaNiAk21]

LOL, I told my friend that battery, brain joke and he didn't laugh so I added on with more people entering the bar as I ad-libed while we played some CS and he was rolling on the floor... I don't know why, prolly 'cause my addition was horible enough to laugh at... :?

[Kurtis]

how bout someone tell some good jokes now :P

[ELiTE KiLLaH]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T


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how was that...huh??
lol
:P

[Kurtis]

i don't get it... :wink:

[Cabot_Teg118]

:) getting better. I'll have to use that line whenever my friends ask for help with their computers :D

[Kurtis]

i would have called it an ID 10 TX 0 R error tho...

idiotx0r

x0r is fun to say... :P

[Brian]

i would have called it an ID 10 TX 0 R error tho...

idiotx0r

x0r is fun to say... :P

Only someone that has experienced the ID ten T error would say something like that :-P

[ELiTE KiLLaH]

i would have called it an ID 10 TX 0 R error tho...

idiotx0r

x0r is fun to say... :P

Only someone that has experienced the ID ten T error would say something like that :-P

ahahha
:D
//w00t htey likee my joke...exxxceelllennnt
//hrm i wonder if comment lines only dont show up when executing programs compiled from a source file...

[Kurtis]

hmm... i dont know maybe they showed up because of the abovementioned error :P

[Brian]

i would have called it an ID 10 TX 0 R error tho...

idiotx0r

x0r is fun to say... :P

Only someone that has experienced the ID ten T error would say something like that :-P

ahahha
:D
//w00t htey likee my joke...exxxceelllennnt
//hrm i wonder if comment lines only dont show up when executing programs compiled from a source file...

The PHP has already been parsed from the server, thus those comments will show.

[MaNiAk21]

I'll defienetly have to try that one. :D

[ELiTE KiLLaH]

i would have called it an ID 10 TX 0 R error tho...

idiotx0r

x0r is fun to say... :P

Only someone that has experienced the ID ten T error would say something like that :-P

ahahha
:D
//w00t htey likee my joke...exxxceelllennnt
//hrm i wonder if comment lines only dont show up when executing programs compiled from a source file...

The PHP has already been parsed from the server, thus those comments will show.

doh
looks like ill have to hack the site and do my thang in order to get them not to show (always pick the interesting way lol)

haha 8)

[Kurtis]

you could just try the backspace key :P

[Hippy]

Infrequently Asked and Answered Questions

Q: What is an Infrequently Asked and Answered Question?

A question is infrequently answered either because few people know the answer or because it is about an obscure, subtle point (but a point that may be crucial to you).

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to become troubled and insecure?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why isn't there mouse–flavoured cat food?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock petrol station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

[DnD]

My dad sends me multiple jokes via e-mail here are a few....

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Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday," Leroy asked.

Now Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble

at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved

to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his

behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how

you have behaved this year," she said. "Then write a letter to God and

tell Him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1:

"Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike

for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Leroy."

Leroy knew that wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2:

"Dear God, I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a

bike for my birthday. Leroy."

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So he wrote a third letter.

Letter 3:

"God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will

be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please! Thank

you, Leroy."

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom

that he wanted to go to church.

Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked as Leroy looked very sad. "Just

be home in time for dinner," Leroy's mother told him.

Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Leroy went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Leroy bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God.

Letter 4:

"God, I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE. Signed, YOU KNOW WHO.

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woman received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left work and stopped by the pharmacy for some medication for her daughter. When returning to her car to find she had locked her keys inside. She had to get home to her sick daughter, and didn't know what to do. She called her home to the baby sitter, and was told her daughter was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground, as if someone else had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God for help.

An old rusty car pulled up, driven by a dirty, greasy, bearded man with a biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "Great God. This is what you sent to help me?" But she was desperate, and thankful. The man got out of his car and asked if he could help.

She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?

"He said, "SURE." He walked over to the car and in seconds the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "THANK YOU SO MUCH.... You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I ain't a nice man. I just got out of prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again and cried out loud..... "THANK YOU GOD FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!"

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A FEMALE airline pilot, I was amused one day by a passenger's reaction to me. The man had boarded the aircraft and was adjusting his seat belt when he happened to glance through the open cockpit door. His face paled and he exclaimed to a flight attendant, "Good grief! Is that a woman up there?" After a pause, he said quietly, "Well, I guess it's okay as long as they don't let her touch anything."

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Lesson......

A young lady was about to finish her first year of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat but her father was a staunch Republican.

One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to taxes and welfare programs. He stopped her and asked her how she was doing in school.

She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough. She had to study all the time, never had time to go out and party. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of spending all her time studying.

He asked, "How is your friend Mary." She replied that Mary was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA, never studied, but was very popular on campus, went to all the parties all the time. Why she often didn't show up for classes because she was hung over.

Dad then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and ask why she couldn't take 1.0 off her 4.0 and give it to her friend who only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0 GPA.

The daughter fired back, "That's not fair, I worked hard for my grade and Mary has done nothing".

The father slowly smiled and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party".

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A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and walked up to the car. The police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license," and handed it to the blonde policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle."

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And the last one for this post tell me if ye want more ;D

~ THE SECRET ~

A man's car broke down as he was driving past a
beautiful, old monastery. He walked up the drive and
knocked on the front door of the monastery. A monk
answered, listened to the man's story and graciously
invited him to spend the night.

The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in
which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept
serenely until he was awakened by a strange sound. The
next morning, as the monks repaired his car, he asked
about the sound that woke him. The monks said, "We're
sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a
monk." The man was disappointed but, eager to be gone,
so, he thanked the monks for their kindness and went
on his way.

During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the
source of the alluring sound.

Several years later, the man the man was driving in
the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim
and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that
he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he
might be permitted to spend another night under their
peaceful roof. The monks agreed and the man stayed.

Late that night, he heard the sound. The next morning,
he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks
said, "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound.
You're not a monk."

By now, the man's curiosity had turned to obsession.
He decided to give up everything and become a monk if
that was the only way to learn about the sound. He
informed the monks of his decision and began the long
and arduous task of becoming a monk.

Seventeen years later, the man was finally established
as a true member of the order. When the celebration
ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and
asked to be told the source of the sound.

Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge
wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key.
That door swung open to reveal a second door of
silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had
past through twelve doors, each more magnificent than
the last.

The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he
finally beheld the wondrous source of the mysterious
sound he had heard so many years before ......
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Would you like to know the source, also?
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> Sorry, but I can't tell you what it was, cause you are not a monk!

[Kurtis]

damn you and your anti-climactic joke :(

[MaNiAk21]

damn you and your anti-climactic joke :(

Ditto... :shock:

[Kurtis]

I just red a couple of the other jokes, I like the republican one :P

[DnD]

hehe me too that was my fav.

[Cabot_Teg118]

lol :lol: