Funny joke I heard

[PennyManDeux]

Two guys and a girl were stranded on a deserted island. After a while, nature took its course and the chick was sleeping with both guys. Being a good catholic girl, she felt guilty, but not being able to tell either guy, she decided to kill herself. The two guys were devastated. It took a while, but eventually their natural urges took over. However, it was not long before the guys began to feel guilty.

So they decided to bury her.

Hi, btw. I'm new.

You guys have any good jokes?

[J2T]

LOL, good one...kinda nasty, but funny. Here ya go:

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great......just great.....Some asshole's got my pen."

[Brian]

Hah, that's good stuff, both of em. I've got a funny one... wait... no I don't. I don't really know any jokes off-hand.

Oh well.

[PennyManDeux]

I just got that one from a friend, I thought it was great. Wanted to share my joy. You know. For dirty jokes.

[Kurtis]

lol those were both very funny...

i have this joke that's pretty funny...

there's this rubber duck in the bathtub right? and then the little duck floats towards the little tug boat and says, what up tuggy!

get it?

[Brian]

Good thing you changed your sig to an Eddie Izzard quote. I was about to ban YOU for that post ;-)

[Kurtis]

lol. i wanted to have a better eddie izzard quote actually but i couldn't think of any of the other funny stuff he said off hand, aside from the baby on a spike (squeaky squeaky) thing

[J2T]

lol, yea that was a pretty bad joke. Almost as bad as this:

Did you hear what happened to the pretzel?

He got assalted

*runs and hides*

[Brian]

hah... I think that is a little better than Kurtis' 'joke' :-P

How about some real ones now? Anybody?

[J2T]

Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on the bench rings a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh and one more thing The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[Brian]

Hah, that's better.

Good stuff.

[MaNiAk21]

Yay for jokes, I am enjoying this.. but alas, I have nothing to contribute. ; ;

[DnD]

The last one cracked me up ;D nice..

[J2T]

Kind of an oldy, but still funny. :lol:

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on floor.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass
wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound
again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.

[Brian]

hah! I've never heard that before. That made me laugh pretty damn hard.

[Kurtis]

men take showers? :oops:

[Dyrewolph]

An Australian goes on a safari in Africa, taking his pet dingo along for
company. One day, the dingo starts chasing butterflies and before long
discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The
dingo thinks, "Geez, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he notices some bones
on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones
with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap,
the dingo exclaims loudly, "Bugger me dead, that was one delicious leopard.
I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard
halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and
slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That
dingo nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree.
He figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So, off he goes - But the dingo sees him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must
be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at
being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's
going to happen to that conniving Aussie dingo." The dingo sees the leopard
coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do
now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his
attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close
enough to hear, the dingo says, "Where is that monkey? I sent him off half
an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

[Dyrewolph]

Australian ventriloquist, visiting New Zealand, walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch, patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog. Mind if I speak to him?"

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock.)

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?" (pointing at Kiwi.)

Dog: "Yep."

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good - he walks me twice a day, feeds me great tucker and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief.)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either ... I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded.)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at Kiwi.)

Horse: "Yep."

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regular, brushes me down often and keeps me in a barn to protect me from the elements."

Kiwi: (total look of amazement.)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Kiwi: "The sheep's a f*cking liar!!!"

[Dyrewolph]

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la.
>Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands
>of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole"
>or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then
>researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic
>equivalent,"ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness
>in the mouth."
>
>In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the
>Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from
>the dead." Coca Cola's "Coke adds life" became "Coke raises the dead".
>
>Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin'good"
>came out as "eat your fingers off."
>
>Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read
>as "Suffer from diarrhoea". Mitsubishi's Pajero translates into "w a n k
>e r".
>
>Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to
>find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use
>for the "manure stick".
>
>Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
>American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".
>
>When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were
>Supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you."
>However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar"
>meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket
>and make you pregnant."
>
>Holden's Nova translated to "No go".
>
>An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish Market
>which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope"
>in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."
>
>
>Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a
>tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A
>photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over
>Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a
>chicken aroused."

[J2T]

Kiwi: "The sheep's a f*cking liar!!!"


HAHAH, lol :lol:

[Kurtis]

lol here i am sitting in class reading and i had to stop so i wouldn't laugh like an idiot...

the first one was pretty funny, second one a little funnier, and then the 3rd post is where i just had to stop reading :lol:

[J2T]

Valentine's Day



Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for
a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for
giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if
other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone alot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the poop out of him."

[J2T]

Birds and Bees, Updated

CHILD: Dad, where did I come from?

DAD: O.K., I knew we had to have this conversation someday! Well, you
see, Dad and Mom met in a chat room on the net. I set up a meeting with your Mom and we landed in the bathroom at the Cyber Cafe. Then, Mom did some downloads from dad's memory stick and when dad was ready to upload, we discovered that there was no firewall. Since it was a bit too late to cancel, I just carried on doing the upload. Nine months later, the damn virus appeared!

CHILD: Huh??

[J2T]

Just trying to get Kurtis in trouble:

A Farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he had
determined to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything
50-50. The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they
agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their
pigs.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 am.,
loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only
vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were
mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are
pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the
morning, then they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, then they're
not."

The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them
off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to
try again.

The following morning, MUD again !!!

This Continued all week until one morning the farmer was so tired that
he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look
outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field.

" Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of
them is honking the horn."

[Kurtis]

nice try but i'm home now :P

[PsychoSnowMan]

Haha these are great, heard a few of them before though. :P

[Kurtis]

There were two guys on a bicycle
They were riding through a park
A man in a tree called down to them and asked
"Why are you guys both on one bike?"

... i got nothin', come on people, more jokey jokes :)

[Brian]

You're annoying.

[Kurtis]

shutup you, where's the latest carlin quote?

i wish i knew more jokes... i've heard so many but i can never ever remember them...

[J2T]

Ok, now getting away from Kurtis's bad jokes.....

Down south in Arkansas, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.

Bubba continued, "And now I hear that someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba," said the lawyer. "But why you asking?"

"Cause I was a wondering," said Bubba. "Can I sue Budweiser for all of them ugly women I've slept with?"

[J2T]

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well
dressed middle aged English woman and the seat was being used by her
dog.

The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog I need that
seat."

The English woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and
said, "You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you
see my little FiFi is using that seat?"

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing
the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there"
I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not
only
are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!" The American didn't
say
anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the
window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her
honor and chastise the American. An English man sitting across the
aisle
spoke up indignantly "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a
penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the
wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And
now,
Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[J2T]

And one of my personal favorites....

Sometimes...
when you cry,
no one sees your tears.

Sometimes...
when you are in pain,
no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes...
when you are worried,
no one sees your stress.

Sometimes...
when you are happy,
no one sees your smile.

But fart just ONE TIME...! :mrgreen:

[Brian]

It's so true... :-( *sniffle* *poot*

[J2T]

There was a Marine deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received one of those shitty 'Dear John' letters from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up; And, as if that wasn't enough, she also wants all of her pictures back.

So being a thoughtful Marine, he does what any well trained Marine would do: He went around to his buddies and collected all of the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed a collection of nearly 50 miscellaneous female photos of various races and religions to his girlfriend back in the States, with the following note:

"Honey, I'm really truly sorry, but I just can't remember which one of these babes you are... Please take the one that belongs to you and be kind enough to send the rest back."

lol

[J2T]

Got this forward from my wife.....should I be worried? :-(

Dear Tide:
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty Bag people.

[Kurtis]

lol watch your back :D

[J2T]

holy crap....this is too funny.

Matrix Ping Pong (http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/3/Matrix+Ping+Pong/stream)

[PennyManDeux]

Ack what the hell! Those crazy.... whoever they are...

Was that like a real event or something? like a play? That is too weird.

[J2T]

Not sure...but it is quite funny. :lol:

[Brian]

Hah, I saw that a while ago. Pretty funny. Next: Matrix Porno!

Huuwaaiaiaiaaa!

[PennyManDeux]

HAH! Bullet-time when the guy... hrmph... I think I'll stop before this gets carried away ;-)

[J2T]

HAH! Bullet-time when the guy... hrmph... I think I'll stop before this gets carried away ;-)

lol, oh no....*wheres the throwing up smilie when you need it* :-x

[Kurtis]

lol you guys and the freakin' smilies...

[J2T]

What can I say....I'm addicted. ;-)

[J2T]

Gee, what to wear..... :lol:

[Kurtis]

lol looks like planet of the apes

[Brian]

I think he looks better without the nose :-P

[Thaw_Out]

Did you create that image yourself J2t?

If you did, then I'm very impressed. It really was well done image and made me fall down laughing :)

[J2T]

No, I can't take credit for it. I got it in an email from my wife. :-)

[Thaw_Out]

If he is found guilty in his trial, do you think people will buy more of his music CDs or less?

[Brian]

I don't think the trial will affect his sales. People who would be offended if he is guilty would have already stopped supporting him.

[Kurtis]

that and if he is found innocent people will still believe he is guilty

OJ Simpson ring a bell?

[Thaw_Out]

Being found innocent (or even found guilty) in a court of law, is not the same thing as actually being innocent or guilty.

There are way too many innocent people who are convicted, and likewise there are way too many guilty people who are found innocent in a court of law.

I think there was a study done once that indicated that there was 10,000 people a year, in this country, who are falsely imprisoned as guilty when they are innocent.

[J2T]

THE WEDDING TEST

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.

My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me.

That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was
twenty, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly
bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant views.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be
married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them
down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front
door. I opened the door and stepped and walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he
hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little
test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter.

Welcome to the family!"


The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Kurtis]

LMAO. that is a really good one :-D

[Brian]

Hah, didn't see that coming! That's great.

[J2T]

FLYING

Passengers on a small plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off.

The entrance opens, two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one blind pilot turns to the other and says, "You know, Joe, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

[Kurtis]

lol where are you finding these jokes? funny as hell

[J2T]

Some of them on other forums, but most of them I am getting in emails from my wife. :-)

[Thaw_Out]

Why is your wife trying to keep you busy reading?

......wonders.....

[J2T]

I think she has the idea I don't actually do work while at my job. :roll: :mrgreen:

[Dyrewolph]

it's not really a joke but it is quite funny... take a look

http://www.hyggestedet.dk/moviegallery/streamfile.asp?imageid=749

[Raere]

I told this in my physics class today...

A neutron walks into a bar. He orders a drink. He asks the bartender "how much do I owe you?" the bartender just smiles and says "for you, no charge."

Get it? Neutrons have no charge. Haha...

[Brian]

Hah... surprisingly that made me laugh :-P

[Kurtis]

that's actually funny in a REALLY dorky way :lol"

[J2T]

haha, that actually got a laugh out of me too.

[J2T]

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and of course, I'll need a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted. :roll:

[MaNiAk21]

it's not really a joke but it is quite funny... take a look

http://www.hyggestedet.dk/moviegallery/streamfile.asp?imageid=749

Wow.. my English teacher told me that story last year.. he had no point for it, and it was a lot less entertaining from him, besides the fact that it was out of no where and non-related to anything we did all year. :)

[PennyManDeux]

Hah, that is a pretty good little clip Dyrewolph. Stupid Americans! :-P j/k

[PennyManDeux]

Here is one I just saw:

In Jerusalem, an American female journalist heard about an old rabbi who visited the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.
In an effort to check out the story, she goes to the holy site and there he is! She watches the bearded old man at prayer--and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN, sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"

For about 50 years, he informs her.

"50 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"And how do you feel, sir, after doing this for 50 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f*cking wall."

[J2T]

LOL :lol: Thats great.

[J2T]

Marine Corp.'s General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other
day, and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him
regarding guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws, you gotta' read this!! This is
one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National
Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine
Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting
his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young
boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting!! That's a bit irresponsible isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD:
I don't see why. They'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching
children?

GENERAL REINWALD:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle disciplinebefore
they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you are equipping them to be violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are
you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.
:lol: :p

[Brian]

Ohhh BURN!

That's pretty good :-P

[Kurtis]

that's great lol... equipped to be a prostitute... i'll have to remember that so i can use it in some really strange circumstance which is likely never to take place... heh

[PennyManDeux]

A couple were wanting to get a Barbie set for their daughter and went to the toy shop.

"How much are the Barbie sets?" they asked.

"Depends on which one - they're all different" said the assistant.

"What's that one?"

"That's ski-ing Barbie complete with skis - $ 50.00".

"And that one?"

"That's cycling Barbie with bicycle and helmet - $ 56.00".

"That One?"

"Cooking Barbie - complete with cooker - $ 70.00".

They then point to one at the end of the shelf "How much is that one there?".

"Well, that's Divorced Barbie and is a special set and costs $ 300".

"$ 300!!! - why? - when all the others are around $ 50?".

"It's a Special set - Divorced Barbie comes complete with Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Business and all of Ken's other stuff!!"

[J2T]

Time to resurrect the jokes:

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"


Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, hold his********* in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely.............


A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

[Dyrewolph]

love that one... never grows old... teeheeeheee

[Kurtis]

hahaha never heard that one before. too bad i'll forget it :( i suck at remembering stuff.

[PennyManDeux]

Hehe... that's a good one.

[PennyManDeux]

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

[J2T]

lol, good one. :mrgreen:

[J2T]

Married Couple

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but, are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping car on a transcontinental train. Although initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.

He was in the upper berth and she was in the lower berth. At 1:00 am in the morning, the man leaned over the side of the berth, reached down and gently woke the woman and said: "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you please reach into the closet and get me second blanket? I'm freezing up here".

She replied: "I have a better idea". "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we are a married couple".

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he replied.

"Good", she replied. "Get your own f******g blanket!
After a long moment of silence, he farted.

[Kurtis]

lmfao. i love it.

[J2T]

WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE... LET ME !

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't
speak
very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.


After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
stuffed
pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family
grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma,
you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
nephew...

"They won't let me fart !"

[Kurtis]

lol...

[PennyManDeux]

Heh... soo true... poor grammy grams... :-P

I got another:

A women on her deathbed called her husband and instructed him to look under their bed and open the wooden box he found. He was puzzled by the 3 eggs and $7,000 in cash he found in the box, so he asked his wife what the eggs were for.

"Oh those", she replied, "every time we had bad sex, I put an egg in the box".

Not bad, the husband thought to himself, after 35 years of marriage, then he asked, "But what about the $7,000?"

"Oh that", she replied, "every time I got a dozen I sold them."

[Kurtis]

lol how much do a dozen eggs go for? :-P

[J2T]

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later a letter arrived from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Fred

At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Fred

[Kurtis]

predictable but good. :-D where the hell do you people find these jokes?

[J2T]

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I'm not gay."
And the best one of all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."

[J2T]

Different places...if I told you my sources I would have to kill you...or at least maim you. :mrgreen:

[CTM420]

why does the Avon lady walk funny?





...her lipstick!

[CTM420]

(May be offensive to some, but funny none-the-less)

The other day I walked into the local bar, and was shocked to find that there was a man at the bar that looked exactly like Adolf Hitler.

I approached him, and said "Hey, I don't mean to be offensive, but you look exactly like Hitler."

The man motioned me to lean in, and whispered "I am Hitler, and I'm planning a come back."

I didn't know how to respond, and then he said "The first thing I'm going to do is kill 500 Jews and a circus clown."

Somewhat confused, I replied "A clown, why a clown?!?"

"See", he replied, "no one ever cares about the Jews"

Enjoy, unless your Jewish (hahaha anyways) :wink:

[J2T]

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that
She is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak
voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

[CTM420]

This is actually pretty funny...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fuck

[Kurtis]

Killer Biscuit Wanted for Attempted Murder (actual headline)

Lisa Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Lisa's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.

He asked her if she was okay and Lisa replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.



A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.



Lisa is blonde.

[mike]

q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
a: Acne waits until your 13 before it comes all over your face.

[PennyManDeux]

ohhh man that's bad!

C'mon! We have kids reading this stuff!


*evil laugh*

[CTM420]

If there are any kids reading this, stop! Go and ask for a spanking from your parents you naughty children, or MJ is coming for YOU! :lol:

[Kurtis]

CMT420: i think you meant to say ON... oh wait nevermind :lol:

[Frosty]

that is sick...funny very funny but sick none the least

[PennyManDeux]

God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing", God told them, "I was wondering if either one of you wanted this ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..." On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam was given the ability.

And so God gave Adam the ability to urinate while standing. He was happy and celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.

"Fine," God said looking back into his bag of leftovers, "What's left here? Oh yes, 'multiple orgasms'."

[Kurtis]

hahaha. i think i'll take the 'pee while standing' trick. girls have to give birth, so i'd say we're even. :-P

[blackjet]

hehehe im with Kurtis on that one....very handy in smelly pub/club toilets too!!! ;-) not to mention the great outdoors!

[J2T]

I think I would take that one too. I mean, its also a lot easier for us guys to orgasm. :-D I would say we are still ahead of the game. hhahah

[J2T]

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual??

Try to come up with the answer on your own...
The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through!!

Now, the riddle:
At the same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth:

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers;
The other is getting a blow job from an
eighty-five year old woman.

They are both thinking the same thing.

What are they both thinking?







Don't look down. Don't look down. :mrgreen:

[Kurtis]

that's great :lol:

[Dyrewolph]

i'm bored so.... BUMP!

[J2T]

*yawn* huh? what?

[Brian]

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual??

Try to come up with the answer on your own...
The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through!!

Now, the riddle:
At the same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth:

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers;
The other is getting a blow job from an
eighty-five year old woman.

They are both thinking the same thing.

What are they both thinking?







Don't look down. Don't look down. :mrgreen:

I missed that one for some reason. Pretty good.